People being stupid is not bound to the normal physical laws of reality, except for one seeming constant: for every jackass there is an equal, though not necessarily opposite, jackass. This is Sour Pineapple’s First Law of Jackasses.

Normally when I sit down to vent my spleen in writing I have one particular idea in mind. This week, sadly, humanity has once again sunk below my already low expectations. So instead of my usual orderly thoughts and inspiration as we wage war on their scumbaggery, this week you’ll get a glimpse into the raw elemental force of truth and justice that is The Revolution when there a boat load of asses that need chewing.

We’ve got a neck and neck race for asshat of the week so let’s get into it. Let’s start with the ESA ( Entertainment Software Association) and their president Michael Gallagher. During the Nordic Game Conference (which sounds metal as hell) while on the topic of loot boxes he spouted such bullshit as, and I quote, “gamers are pleased with how we interact with them” and “these in-game transactions are not gambling”.

The rest of the quotes given in the article explain why this corporate shill feels this way but they really boil down to semantics. By the logic of the ESA, since loot boxes always provide some item or reward and are never technically empty they aren’t really gambling. As pointed out by YongYea (check him out on the YouTubes) if a casino gave you a penny no matter how a hand of cards or roll of the dice turned out they also wouldn’t be gambling either by that definition. Too bad for the ESA that their definition is fucking stupid.

All this is a continuing effort from the gaming industry to protect it’s shitty, manipulative practices that prey on the uninformed and those succeptible to gambling addiction. For that they get a two finger salute and I hope they get bed bugs and herpes.

Now on to asshat numero dos: Bluehole and it’s subsidiary PUBG Corp. The PUBG publishers have filed a lawsuit against Epic Games, makers of the more popular and more successful Fortnite (both of which can be seen streamed by the handsome boys of Bro Seriously) for copyright infringement.

While all the details of the shit aren’t clear as of yet, previous lawsuits filed by the legal savants at PUBG have focused on such blatantly obvious idea theft such as having players jump out of a plane onto an island and using a frying pan as a weapon. Because no one has ever conceived of such novel innovations until they did…

Before I go any farther, because I am a reasonable and fair tropical fruit, the companies that Bluehole has sued so far were all making shameless ripoffs of the PUBG game and had more than enough justification to not only sue them but to dropkick them down a flight of stairs. And to the best of my knowledge, Brendan Greene (Playerunknown himself), has been nothing but positive saying only that he hopes people take the genre and add their own twists.

At the end of the day, Bluehole is mad that they got dethroned by a competitor who has done a better job of engaging the player base and giving them more reasons to choose their product. If they would put asuch effort into improving their game as they do at being butthurt at the idea of competition they wouldn’t be in this situation. Capitalism baby! Murica!!

And last but certainly not least, sprinting ahead for a surprise first place finish is David Brooks, former BioWare developer and the current reigning king bastard in the gaming world.

This past week, after a short fight with cancer, John “TotalBiscuit” Bain passed away. As a popular YouTuber and podcaster he had a massive audience and a lot of people were understandably saddened at the news.

Brooks, however, decided to go in a much shittier direction and openly mocked and celebrated his death.

In a string of tweets, which have now been deleted, Brooks said that the world felt like a better place and proceded to rant about Bain’s criticisms of games he had worked and other things that he felt were problematic about Bain,  finishing with “Good riddance to bad rubbish.”

From an objective standpoint, David Brooks can go fuck himself with a splintering plunger handle. Being happy that another human being has died of a terrible disease is a sign that you may be messed up in the head. At the very least it means you’re a piece of shit. So David, if you happen to read this, I want you to do me a favor. I want you go to a hardware store, walk to the tool section, and find a good hammer. Then take your phone and out it down the front of your pants. Once it’s securely in front of your crotch I want you to hit the phone with that hammer as hard as you can until you pass out from pain. If you don’t feel up to the task let me know and I’ll help you out. I’ll even supply the hammer.

That’s it for this week. You can now follow me on Twitter at @bssourpineapple. Keep your heads high and tolerance for bullshit low.

Viva la revolucion!!

Sour Pineapple